March 2010
2 posts
It's 12:30 Am - have you written your wedding...
Getting married by a JOP (that’s justice of the peace for you not-in-the-know folk) has its pros and its cons.
Pro: Costs about 1/8th the price of a solid rabbi (1/2 the price of one of those so-so rabbis)
Pro: Pretty interesting person - did A&R in the 60s and 70s for Jackson Brown, David Crosby - shot in the dark luck to have massive hippy doing our wedding.
Con: Write your own...
I'm marrying Jake Ryan in 5 weeks
In high school I remember always hoping for my “Pretty in Pink/Sixteen Candles” moment where the hot cool guy (except mine wasn’t a rich dick like Jake Ryan or Blane [that’s a toaster that’s not a name], more hippy/surfer boy/etc.) suddenly realizes that I’m super pretty and awesome one day - most likely due to an outfit and/or a when they find out I LIKE THEM...
February 2010
6 posts
Fitting tomorrow!
Dudes - I have been not eating carbs since January 1st and doing yoga every morning and doing the eliptical and crap, all for this first fitting tomorrow. Shallow? YES!
All I want is for that damn dress to fall the fuck off me when I put it on.
I already warned my girlfriends who are coming to get ready for my nakidety if it comes true.
Fall off my damn body dress! Fall off!
The book...
It all started on a drive to DC with John.
I had added money to the EZ Pass that morning. Done and Done. No fucking tolls for this car! See you later cash only losers!
Let’s go ahead and just cozy through the Henry Hudson Bridge (is that the name? It’s the one on the west side that isn’t the george washington…get off my back).
Boom. Stop. Red light and menacing barrier...
My friend told me that Snookie is adopted. I... →
January 2010
2 posts
Awkward moment of tomorrow...
Secret santa.
Look - this is my cousin...I met him once - he's a... →
Did you know there are Jews in England? Some of them got there by a thing called the kindertransport…my dad’s cousin was one…so he grew up British and his parents, my Grandpa’s brother, died…
I met him once. He was charming.
December 2009
10 posts
Confession of the day
We are about to get wedding rings and my heart beat so fast with excitment when we chose my fiance’s and I pictured him wearing it for the rest of my life.
Also my little territorial heart beat with excitement that them hos and bitches won’t be all up in his grill.
Confession: I am a cheese ball! Must confess!
Deep thought...
I’m OK with Christmas after 30 years.
Sweet in-laws, a mixed Chanuka/Christmas celebrating future brother and sis-in law, and being polite and respectful have led me to handle it.
Tomorrow I eat a Christmas meal by a tree for the first time in my life.
Deep thought - 30 years to just be nice? Does that make me a terrible person, or like a really progressive person now?
Meh, it makes my...
I am seriously floored by this - WHY? WHY! →
You know what? Fuck you...
Yeah you.
You know what I hate? People who obviously think they are “normal” and sit and judge people who are “not normal” when clearly they are the most fucked up of everyone, just not very self actualized.
Yeah I just said self-actualized.
That’s because people like you have never heard the term so it is not lame for me to use it because for you it is the first...
When is it time to get an anonymous blog?
Now?
I feel the need to write things, to get things off my chest, to share humorous stories in which I am the humor what with my awkwardness, etc.
Fuck me that I have to be all responsible and shit.
Who’s idea was it to got to business school? What puck like creature spit that thought into my mind?
I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world, and of course, I never would have...
Awkward moment of the week...
Member how I thought I was done with these?
Well not as long as my horrible instincts still occur.
The mind says, “DO NOT SPEAK”
The mind says, “FACADE. FACADE. FACADE.”
But the Splitter, despite being the 30 year old Splitter, says, “Hey, why don’t you cry right now? Like hysterically?”
Since I was, I don’t know, a zygot, I’ve been told...
Deep thought...
My “weekend wardrobe” = excess business school/corporate t-shirts.
I am beautiful.
I must really love him...
My entire life I have been really afraid of all things Christmas (see below - although below is more a comment of how I wish there was some acknowledgment of other cultures, but I digress).
Yesterday, I went to a “tree trimming” party at my fiance’s brother’s house. I wasn’t even weirded out doing it (partly because the kids at that house are being raised halvsies, I...
I don't really feel awkward...
When my dad was first reading this blog he said that the overall theme seemed to be “awkwardness.”
I’ve been wondering lately why I haven’t been running to the computer every chance I get to capture the awkward moments of late. I mean, it’s not like I fit in any better - I live in the fucking suburbs and work for a corporation. My days are uncomfortable silences and...
November 2009
9 posts
I'm turning 30...list about regrets, i have a...
Actually, I really don’t feel any regrets. But in order to feel some, I started thinking about my dreams from when I was a little girl to compare them to what I have achieved so far. This will be fun!
Move to NYC and become a singer/dancer/actor/director/short stop/president: The entire dream is ludicrous. But for a girl growing up in California it was a bit odd to want to move to NYC. It...
Obligatory wedding post - sorry in advance
Yes, we are getting married. Yes there was a relapse in the middle of this courtship. I don’t think that issue is gone forever. But, our vows will be really simple:
We have already been in sickness and in health, in rich and in poor, in good times and in bad - and you are the best man I have ever known.
Yes that’s true.
Enough, on with the wedding stuff.
I made the save the dates!...
“Baby, I know something’s cool when I hear it.”
– My future husband. Really? I mean, I have no idea what’s cool.
So what? We don't have a generation?
In marketing you spend a lot of time analyzing trends and populations and how they would behave, say in front of a dog food made from wild salmon (seriously I made that up, if I were working for pet food I would announce it.)
Recently I’ve spent a lot of time listening all about some assholes called “the millenials.”
I’ve heard a few definitions of this generation -...
Notes from a failed song writer...
Look I’m not saying I was everyone’s cup of tea, but I think I used to have a pretty nice talent for lyrics back in the day.
I used to think the reason I stopped being able to write songs was because I stopped having drama in my life - without angst what’s a song really? (Unless you’re John Mayer. What a douche that guy is. Right? Who says I can’t call you a...
Television I watch these days because it's...
It’s that time again - winter. Or, as more commonly known at chez Splitter (soon to be Harmon!), “the time when my paleness looks pretty and I don’t have to shave my legs and one does not feel guilty for not leaving the house during the weekend.”
Now, Harmon and I usually end up watching TV around 8 pm, and we don’t have DVR - whch means we are choiceful of the...
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
– Kate Moss. Is that not the worst (but secretly most true) quote you have ever heard? If only free brownies at work didn’t feel much better than skinny - ALWAYS.
October 2009
4 posts
Things that made me cry this weekend...
Well everyone! It was the last of my early Fridays this Friday, and though I could’ve worked well into the night in what I like to call “my cell” (some say “cubicle), I figured, I better leave early while I still can and work on the weekend instead.
(By the way, this is me “working on the weekend” - I swear once I get to the Borders that’s exactly what...
Thinking that passing on my future husband's genes...
Um, what the fuck?
I don’t know how, but tomorrow morning will be the scene of an alcoholism intervention (AT MY APARTMENT) for my future cousin-in-law.
She’s sleeping over at my house because everyone is against her right now, apparently.
As a current expert on addiction, this is old hat.
But um, really?
Considering abandoning this kid thing due to my mental issues and this...
New Snuggie commercial confusing, more appealing... →
Now that the new snuggie commercial is out I know it’s fall. It’s Autumn’s ground Hog.
Nothing has changed. BUT they are now raising the roof.
Did they focus group? Did people say that this commercial is great, but would be so much better if only they were raising the roof.
Also - there is now a dog snuggie.
The dog looks like he’s high.
I’m confused. But...
September 2009
6 posts
Is there an award for most creative corporate...
Let me tell you something about corporations. They love it when you are fucking creative. LOVE IT! And stuff you and I might not even think is creative - like humming a song and making a sassy rhyme with it - that’s creative! Or doodling a face at a meeting on your notes - CREATIVE!
Even listening to music that neither exists on VH1’s jumpstart nor your children’s hannah montana...
OMG, when you're actually at the point I was at at...
I had to go to Wal-Mart today. Wal-Mart is a necessary evil if you live on an extreme budget and you have to do something like buy a kid a present. It’s so odd how you wouldn’t even think about where you would shop in New York. Or at least I didn’t - I just knew where the most adorable vintage wood children’s toys and $8 hand letter pressed cards were sold, so of course I...
Why I turning 30 is the new dying young...
In three months I turn 30.
I am ecstatic. And I am not writing that to be read in sarcasm.
As far as I’m concerned I did a hell of a lot in my 20s and it was all either dreadfully angsty or wonderfully exciting. Either way, it was fun - but exhausting. I hear that your 30s are nice and calming - like lavendar essential oil reeds (which are sprinkled about my almost 30-something suburban...
This post in honor of post-rehab drug addicts...
Aww, you are so perfect and cute and sweet and funny and smart. How did I get so lucky to get someone with everything in one package who cleans and cooks for me and loves my baby kitty and takes care of me?
You are so wonderful.
You are just…perfect…
Oh wait….
That’s harsh but there’s more.
Day by day things have slowly gotten back to normal. Of course normal is...
Awkward moment of the, um, last 10 years?
Is anyone watching Dancing with the Stars? In protest of the horrid situation that WAS the insipid gyrations of one hideous head of the right wing conspiracy - e.g. Tom Delay on DWTS - I vow to never dance again.
I know, a hush has come over the gay bars and weddings of this world that will never again see my awesome jump up and down dancing. BUT! I must protest!
Oh whatever…so what if he...
August 2009
18 posts
This just in - Connecticut anti-semetic, most...
I know when you think of CT, you picture: rich white people with pearls and white wine at noon.
Right? You do don’t you! You do!
Here’s the thing. That part of CT is limited to the area right around the city - e.g. commutable for rich white bankers to the city, but lush and green enough for even the most comprimising white home-owner.
Everywhere else? Pretty much just regular state...
Yeah I know...
My spelling sucks lately. Well, you know, that’s gonna happen when you blog drunk and suddenly tumblr lacks spell check.
MAN! FUCK YOU ARTIE LANGE!
I had a boyfriend for about four years that I even lived with. Iin code, that means we were super adult like and bought furniture and had a coffee maker that occasionally we made coffee from.
He used to listen to howard stern on delay on his computer and talk about how much he loved Artie Lange.
I’ve been hearing this Artie Lange bullshit for years. The selling has been high and good -...
I guess I understand why you've always hated me...
I’ve never seen someone on the other side of depression. Man are they selfish pricks.
You must have always hated me, huh?
All the crying, all the wailing, all the wanting to be “alone” - but then everything’s normal like 2 hours later?
Awesome! I bet there were like 20 times a day when you’ve said to yourself, “So your mom died when you 14, so fucking what!...
I enjoy making therapists laugh...
This was my evening last night:
6:15 - 7:00: Hot doctor shrink who works in tandem with middle-aged Jewish shrink to prescribe me medication and also run a substance abuse program that John will be starting.
7:00 - 7:15: Drive
7:15 - 8:00: Normal therapist appointment (she doesn’t prescribe me stuff…she just argues the other point. I guess that’s therapy? It’s also...
So anyway, how have you been
Since John got out I relaxed just a bit. It was so wonderful to see his old self. There is a big plan in place…but of course I am still completely freaked out and anxious.
The tears have stopped for the moment.
I believe anger is beginning.
But, anyway, I’m sorry I’ve been so rude - how have you been?
In other news
I have a fucking bug bite on my eye.